In this series, I am going to write about and explore several different types of love in an effort to better understand the nature of love and what it is in the world. At the end of this post is a video with a mediation and art activity to tap yourself deeper into it.
A Word About Attachments
Attachment gets a bad wrap. Check it out…
“Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed that is. Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.” Yoda
“Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be attained only by someone who is detached.” Simone Weil
“A Feeling of Attachment towards something is your clue that there is work t be done.” - Baba Ram Das
“ Attachment is the source of all suffering.” Buddha
“All hurt is founded on attachment to anything regardless of its nature. When we detach we vibrationally send ourselves back into the flow of life.”
― Dr. Jacinta Mpalyenkana, Ph.D, MBA
They aren’t wrong. As a grief counselor, I see this pain day in and day out. It hurts THE MOST to lose the people we are attached to death and disease. I am not brazen enough to argue with these masters because they are 100% correct and I don’t think this the whole story either.
Here is the deal, what does a “detached” life look like? It isn’t pretty either.
“A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all people. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don't function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick.” — Brene Brown
We need each other, that is the simple truth of being a human being that we all know in our bones. We need to feel secure and attached and held as babies and that need does not end nor does it “mature” out of us.
If we eliminate all attachments we will become a world of hermits, monks, and sociopaths. Not all terrible things to be, but it will become difficult to survive as a species pretty quickly if we all follow that route.
While eliminating attachments gains us wisdom and independence, it also unbinds us from the very root of what it means to be human; community.
So…sorry, y’all…we have to attach… that is just human nature… AND we don’t have to attach to everything.
The opportunity here is learning to notice what we attach to and why. It is incredibly valuable and healthy to notice what we are hitching our wagons to. Is it a thought? A material possession? An animal? Our parents? Our lovers? Our children? Our gods?
Once we notice what we are attached to then the next step is to notice what that attachment feels like. Is it stuck? Draining? Nourishing? Confusing? Energizing?
When we attach to people and things that do not nurture us, it is always a losing battle.
Attachments to outcomes, abusers, or fears set us on a road to great pain and great cost BUT when we attach to that which enriches us and waters us with love…well that is well worth it…well worth it.
It is fun to know your “attachment style” and stuff, but don’t let it bog you down, please. The way we attach and what we attach to can and does evolve right along with us (debatable in the theory, but pretty true in my lived experience).
So, if you are aiming for a deeply and securely attached partnership or for a Yoda-like attachment to The Force all and any of that is well within your reach.
Point is, you will attach to something or someone because that is what are brains are designed to do AND you have some say in what you attach to; make it count.
OK so What is Storge?
It is a Greek word for a type of love that is deeply bonded and affectionate; like between a parent and child.
I am thinking of it as attachment or a binding love. I definitely feel this kind of love towards my dog. He is pretty cute and when I see him I feel this weird desire to touch his fur. Same with my kiddos of course, but the desire there is to smell the tops of their heads (what can I say, parenthood is weird).
If any of the people or animals I feel Storge for were in danger I am pretty sure I would kick into some kind of nervous system hyperdrive to save them.
This love feels to me like a knee-jerk reaction; it is the most natural thing.
And I also have this love for some of my adult friends and family members too. However, the impulse to smell hair and protect from danger is lesser to an impulse to stay connected. I want to check in on these people…just because they are on my mind. It is important to me that they know they are important to me, and best part is they generally reciprocate in kind letting me know that I matter just because I do.
My guess is that is storge love, or at least how it looks in my life.
Here is a brief meditation and creative prompt for you to explore how Storge love shows up in your life.
Steps:
Gather several items that connect you to Storge love or those who you feel most bonded to
Make a little still life arrangement of Storge love for yourself
Light a candle there, draw it, paint it, photograph it, spend the day with it